I'm almost done trying, I've been trying for more than 5 years now and I think I am almost done trying and just call it a day. Remember the saying lower your expectations so you won't have too much disappointment in life; does it apply if you are unhappy? Ok reader discretion. Yes, this is a depressing post because that's what I'm feeling right now. I know I'm a jack of all trades, I can learn anything and give a satisfying job; not perfect just satisfactory. I'm not an expert on anything at all. I've been on different jobs, I've adapted on different environment, different industries. I even survived living, learning Cantonese and living on my own in Hong Kong. But somehow, I'm not satisfied where I am. I'm not contented I feel that something is wrong and I don't belong. I know I'm stuck where I am and I feel it too; it is like even how much I try I am still gonna be stuck. Fate. Destiny has already planned and decided. I am like Winnie the Pooh stuck on that god damn tree! Today I bought a US phone number from Skype. After buying it and getting back home though, now I feel it's a wasted investment. It's like yeah, I have a contact number but its not really gonna change anything.
Anyways let us work our way into a cheery mood. I'm addicted to a new game my colleague introduced. It's in Chinese but I can get around. I have to clarify though that I can't red proper Chinese, I can read food menu so I won't starve to death. I can also read some characters but don't ask me what it means because I don't know what it means. Back to the game. It is called Tower of Something... Tower of Saviors! It's like. Mix of Bejeweled , Pokemon and Yu Gi Oh. It has monsters, Pokemon, the monster are presented as cards, Yu Gi Oh, and you play with Gems by placing gems to form 3 row and columns, Bejeweled, each clear makes the monsters attack. So there are 5 monster types and is represented by colors, so if you clear a jewel crystal the color of that crystal triggers monster of the same color/type to attack. Does that makes sense? Occasionally, you get a monster's card, you can use it to level up the monster in your lineup. There is a bit of Dragon Quest in it, where like Dragon Quest if you go into a new location and you don't beef up the enemies can kill you with just one blow. I know it's tedious and frustrating to level up but it's how they keep the game exciting and make you to play longer.
I haven't drawn anything or I should say completed any drawing this week, I did a couple of dribbles but nothing I finished. I think I need to go on a trip but the pocket is quite tight recently so No... no... No... You stay home. I don't want to go to Singapore again, I've been going there at least once for the past, or at least, 3 years. I think I go there because I did dream of working there. Originally, I wanted to apply for RBS in Singapore because back in the days RBS was on top of its game and was a reputable company. Ironically, I was hired by RBS but here in Hong Kong. It wasn't a completely a good experience, but lets be honest there is no such thing as the perfect work environment. I was thinking of going back to SF, then I thought. Am I doing it again? Do I want to spend vacation there to relax or because secretly I want to live and work there? I have 3 months left before I reach the big three-zero! 3 months left to live in a dream before I have to wake to reality and work towards my retirement. The way the economy is going and my spending trend... I should be realistic. I think I have pretty much used up my lifelines. Most of the stuff I dreamed of, I've pretty much gotten. I'm thankful for it but I'm not gonna lie, I had to pay a lot after achieving them. The other day, a bird pooped on my shoulder. In the culture I came from, they say it is lucky whether or not it is true we will see. I hope I don't get the H7N9 flying about.
Anybody know the song "Turn Me On" by David Guetta and Nicki Minaj? It's exactly what I need right now. I need something to turn me back on, energize my psyche and be super productive. But for now, all I can do is wallow and occasionally vent out. I think a lot people don't understand the process if venting. When I vent I don't need any response or advise or basically anything. I just want to let my feelings out point blank and if you are there when I'm venting I just want some one to be there that's all. Giving advise or persuading me is pointless because I am aware of what I should be doing so repeating it to me will just get my engines going. It's a roller coaster of emotions, my rationale and my heart battling it out. Going back to where I started on this post, the biggest question I want to answer is "what am I really trying to do?". A lot of the stuff I'm trying to do, I don't really have a clear vision of where or why I want it. But all I can say now is just... SIGH.
Enough ranting and complaining! Tomorrow is another day hope it has better news.
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